Dealing with boys

It is a long held fact that boys have two heads. And that they only think with one of them.

This fact in it's self is no big deal. In truth it probably helps them to sleep at night with some level of clarity, two heads are better than one after all. But this is not the core issue and while I may come back to this at a later date I leave you with this on the subject; those two heads should never be put together, it's freaky. Damned freaky. And thank you to me dear brother for sending me the link to that charming video and for the nightmares it conjured.

Back on topic, I go out for a quiet drink and to hang out with mates every so often (more often if I had time and more often than I have time to). Inevitably boys make amorous advances; now while appreciate their bravery and sometimes their altogether charming/amusing attempts at my fidelity (I'm aiming for cat lady or favorite pipe smoking aunt that is not an aunt who teaches you guns at the age of six), you don't really want it. I have the cure, it makes balls shrivel and ego's die. One phrase can cure you...

'Go home and play with your bum-chum buddy.'

It needs to be accompanied by a firm look and a clear passionless voice. Say that a few times in the same location and your free. Sadly it has been pointed out to me that this is mean. It occupies that place your not meant to go as a girl along side strip bars (they're great) and porn (epic stuff), it strikes a chord with boys, not usually a good one.

I didn't really give it that much thought, actually it was fairly much a case of 'bollocks to it'. Then you notice that the friend you've been hanging around with for the past seven years is hot (and you already like him as a mate, what could go wrong). Why does it take me so long? Don't know, that is for personal angst and melodrama and possibly a therapist. When dealing with this you put out feelers, ask mates ect. Yet when the plunge comes and you ask he gives you a look which says 'how much were you bet?' So stale mate. So effective is one phrase it back fires on the rest of your life.

There are situations where it doesn't work. Gay bars for example (I get out voted my a significant group of me friends), mostly you don't need to worry about boys, any boys that are there that may hit on you are bi and therefore likely to take you up wholeheartedly on the suggestion. I've never worked out how to stave off the advances of lesbians other than trying to be polite, unless I'm really drunk when the lines blur slightly. You can't really use it on stalkers, or in front of your parents and indeed if you use it at work your boss gets kinda cross and your on caution for making a homophobic and sexist comment for a month.

In short dealing with boys is hard. And warrants further discussion, we'll talk more on the subject later. What I think I wanted to say is that there is no cure all for a type of situation. That a blanked approach can backfire and come up full of holes leaving you feeling vulnerable. Specifically to the boys remember that girls are generally just as scared as you are (just like the spider or mouse you jumped on a chair for the other day). They may turn you down because while they find you attractive you are likely to be bigger and stronger, therefore threatening. If some venomous bitch tells you to 'go home and play with your bum-chum' don't loose heart, flick her the finger and move on. She's not worth it anyway.

So next year I will resolve (to late to tag onto this years lot) to dissolve the phrase, remove it from my list. I'll use something normal like piss off or the great lie 'I've go a boyfriend' (the reason there are no single girls boys is coz they're lying) or just simply, one day I may say yes...

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